Maybe I am getting past my twenties and am having trouble connecting back.
Too many things pushing me to feel old and responsible when all I want to do is feel real for a few moments.
To forget about what may oblige me for tomorrow or for next week,
and do what feels right for now
regardless of what the hindsight of tomorrow may tell me.
How are we to live if we cannot breathe anymore.
What is has occurred that has taken the life
out of so many souls such that now lifelessness is the norm?!
Why are those that choose to live without regard are considered to be reckless?
But those that live with regard are so closed off to all that is happening around them.
May I be so aware that I feel all pain, all sorrow, all estacy, and all compassions.
I can live without peace so long as I may know that which my discontent leads me to.
I don't have to have the front row view of life, I don't want to know when the ride is about to end
Let me be surprised, help me better feel the turns, the jolts, and the hard brakes that help us know that this is real
and that anything else we might convince ourselves this might be is in fact the reality other want us to live.
Choose to live, stick it to the norm, and make reality be in breathing the life that is here today and only for this short moment.
Stability & Money = Fulfilling Others Expectations + Denying Out Own Destiny - Ability to feel both true pain and pleasure
Happiness = Nothing but now + Forgetting about the past - worrying about the future
Reality = Life is hard
We need others to be happy
People are difficult to understand and accept
but the quicker we open our arms,
the sooner life seems a little easier to cope with
It is better to be with someone for a moment and feel pain,
then to feel nothing.
I would rather feel the deepest pain ,
than be sedated and unable to detect the faintest touch.
So touch me, bite me, slap me,
do what every makes you feel alive and real
for now, for this is what we have
and I need to know more that what you show
I need to know where this strange energy comes from
and why we have it and must share it,
why it hurts so to give it, and pleasures so to receive.
Who are we here to amuse?
Will they ever applaud us?
Will they every scorn us?
I heat the whispers from the others on stage,
but why can I not hear the audience?
If I knew they were pleased perhaps I could please more.
But this silience, this silence is hard to endure.
Why must we wait for the hook to come pull us off stage? !
This may make no sense tomorrow, but that is life!
Your myspace page is so impressive. You are very creative, smart and hilarious. I'm glad we're back to being codependant. I was far too productive without you. I like myself much better this way. I have some unfortunate news for you. According to the who you'd like to meet portion of your page sorry Assshat, but I think you've already met her-hee hee. Well I need to sleep now. I lu' ya like a fat kid lu' cake.
Wow. Bitter....I have to say that I really admire your insight here. I wrote Aveda off for what she said and did to you. Yet...you are seeing something. And I am not sure what she means by 'protecting you from your friend" but I think you are right. If she sees relationships as power plays then perhaps this makes sense at "that" level???
You are also right on the love thing. No one has taught her about love. Drat...what is it with us...as in people like you and me....who see the potential etc and then fill in the gaps hoping that they will se we are real and release themselves to the trust that is necessary for love to be experienced and "known??" Oy. Sigh. Just as you are doing now with Aveda...Julian and I are friends.....which was wonderful.....and he is trying so hard that it about kills me. Drat....if he would just be a total wacko at all times it would be EASY!!!! So I am allowing this friendship thing to be exclusive again. Perhaps it is a lack of Jews guys to choose from??? That "could" be it. I hope I do not get hurt even at this level of exclusive friendship??? But for now....he and I still share that geeky love of DNA and other things that usually bore other people. Oy....what do you do when other guys aren't geeky about the origins of life?? I know, and yet....I was the geek in High School who liked everyone and never could figure out why cheerleaders were such snobs!!! I still don't get it. I hung out with the geeky even guys then.....so I guess some things never change?
But....I do hope this works for you and Aveda. I mean that. I liked her when I met her and you two are cute together. I just do not want you to be hurt again. It hurt me to hear what she said about you. It is hard for me to understand how that was protecting you from your friend. But good lord....I am still friends with a geek who said what he did about me!!! So what do we do about "how we are???" Is there a cure for us or do we just see something beyond what they see and we ARE willing to try again hoping that perhaps they will see it too?
Oy.....but.....I want this to work for you. I hope that she will understand love. Being as she has a son and loves him....I hope that she can "get it" and see who you are. But ya....you two did seem so GOOD together when I was at your house!!!
Well....go slow and see what happens. But she is cool....if she can get past seeing life as a game over emotional power. When I met her I could not believe that she could say what she said to you, etc. Ha! Julian too. So similar. Drat. Well let's see what happens next.
Ya.....common law wife is good enough for me....if my neighbor sells another trailer I will let you know....we can always run away together!
The Queen Bee
hi (boss lady). i wanted to send this whiney email to (head honcho), but then i thought better of it because you are my boss after all.
i wouldn't bring it up but it has been on my mind almost exclusively since last week, and part of it for quite a while now.
i am really wondering how i can make it with the 40 hour a week thing. i know that millions of americans do it all the time, and i have been trying to keep a positive outlook all day, but logistically it is really going to screw me up. not long ago i did an extended budget and realized that even if i don't spend one dime of my paycheck except to pay my phone and electric bill and put the rest toward my debts (stuff i have racked up since i became a vista and a legal fine) i would still owe in september when my time is up. so the only solution i could come up with is to clean houses again. now, even if i get up at 6:30 in the morning and work out to combat my OBESITY i don't see how i can make it in before 11am which keeps me at work until 7pm. the only under the table work i can get after that involves compromising myself but don't think i haven't been considering it. this is how seriously i need to have some control of my life and finances. i also was planning to work toward my actual future goals by volunteering at the civic and opera grand rapids building sets. i doubt that will work out either. so here i am, a vista for a program that is all but defunct doing work that has nothing to do with my dreams or goals. Yes i signed up for it, but to my chagrin i realize now that the understanding i had with (former boss) was not cmc policy but a shared personal value. i am trapped. i have no options. i must remain in debt and be powerless to pursue my goals.
(former boss) should have gone to the vista orientation conference like all the other vista's bosses. he would then have been able to convey what was explained concerning the project.
now you have it in writing that r's movie is my project so this is idleness, but i was supposed to have a project that i conceive of, plan, execute, and put into my resume as something that did not exist before and now does because of me. instead i was handed an already conceived project loaded with politics and mandates. you were at that meeting when i clarified with (head honcho) about the drop in center but you don't remember i guess. he said they had to be middle schoolers. he said it had to have the (my job's name) name. do i listen to you or (head honcho)? or (co-worker)? do i get to experiment and possibly fail and have ownership and devise a name and a logo? are all the programs connected or are they separate. that question in particular remains with me and played a big role in the dark days of my trying to keep my program in my hands. it was the program, that which i had been trying to create that i wanted, not specifically middle schoolers. that that point was lost tells me that this media center is suffering an odd malady. is it hard to believe that i wanted my own thing? support yes, but constant passive staring challenges from co-workers, slowly spoken disagreements which imply some non-profit sin to stand against? i just don't get it.
(previous vista) is now dealing bingo chips in a casino in oklahoma.
what will i be doing after my time here?
and what can i possibly do for ADD ridden children who only want to play, as is right for their age group? i tried the montisory approach and it was deemed a madhouse and given to (co-worker) with a new structured curriculum. today i heard that structure and class room setting, with rules about attendance and punctuality are the problem and we need to return to the montisory thing. i have no idea what to think, except that i want nothing to do with administrating anything, its just too confusing. i don't belong as a ctc vista because all the others have so much more technicalogical knowledge that they can create awesome programs like urban audioscapes that are streamed on the internet. i don't even want to know these things, they are a trap binding us to a virtual world.
so these are all the things i am thinking. i just wanted you to know.
thanks, by the way for being nice about the new rules, you could have been angry and i understand that.
i hope there is a way we can work it out so that i don't have to lose all the other things i need and care about. i am thinking that if i spend the night once or twice a week that would fulfill my contract. i could do work until i can't stay awake any longer and sleep for a couple of hours as my "lunch break" and then get back to work. this is assuming there is 40 hours a week of things to do. i need at least some afternoons to clean and make some bread, and i need to be sure that my butoh practice is respected as it was with (former boss). and then there is the issue of my apparent questionable mental health. who in the world is totally honest with their boss? i must be mad.
okay, so maybe its not nice to make fun of schizophrenics, but i receive about a phone call a week from one, and if i have the time i will post as much as i can. last nights was short.
C; (mumble mumble) oh, hey, did you know my parents bought cathy a vcr?
E; no, thats cool. hey i'm on the other line with the phone company.
p.s. i really love this guy. and he is hillarious.
This seems like another lovely place to waste my time. Instead of whipping up something new, I'll just copy/paste. There, now I feel lazy AND efficient...
Idle gossip amuses me. Please, continue. I can’t wait to read what all of your brilliant, poetic imaginations concoct next.
If you need some inspiration, here’s a fun little “starter” story!
One day a boy and a girl start flirting with each other (Boy: I'm on the rebound. Girl: I love you.). After a few weeks, the boy and the girl have sex (Insert sound of hand sliding into vagina here.). The boy and the girl continue to have sex (Orgasms equal love.), get to know each other a little better (Girl: What’s your favorite color? Boy: Blue. Yours? Girl: Anger.), share a few meals (He only eats meat. She only eats miso. A match made in heaven!), and so on for about a month or so. Then the boy decides to start dating someone else (After everything the boy and the girl built together!? BASTARD!).