|spilled my guts to the boss
||[Jan. 23rd, 2006|08:10 pm]
voice mail transcription
hi (boss lady). i wanted to send this whiney email to (head honcho), but then i thought better of it because you are my boss after all.|
i wouldn't bring it up but it has been on my mind almost exclusively since last week, and part of it for quite a while now.
i am really wondering how i can make it with the 40 hour a week thing. i know that millions of americans do it all the time, and i have been trying to keep a positive outlook all day, but logistically it is really going to screw me up. not long ago i did an extended budget and realized that even if i don't spend one dime of my paycheck except to pay my phone and electric bill and put the rest toward my debts (stuff i have racked up since i became a vista and a legal fine) i would still owe in september when my time is up. so the only solution i could come up with is to clean houses again. now, even if i get up at 6:30 in the morning and work out to combat my OBESITY i don't see how i can make it in before 11am which keeps me at work until 7pm. the only under the table work i can get after that involves compromising myself but don't think i haven't been considering it. this is how seriously i need to have some control of my life and finances. i also was planning to work toward my actual future goals by volunteering at the civic and opera grand rapids building sets. i doubt that will work out either. so here i am, a vista for a program that is all but defunct doing work that has nothing to do with my dreams or goals. Yes i signed up for it, but to my chagrin i realize now that the understanding i had with (former boss) was not cmc policy but a shared personal value. i am trapped. i have no options. i must remain in debt and be powerless to pursue my goals.
(former boss) should have gone to the vista orientation conference like all the other vista's bosses. he would then have been able to convey what was explained concerning the project.
now you have it in writing that r's movie is my project so this is idleness, but i was supposed to have a project that i conceive of, plan, execute, and put into my resume as something that did not exist before and now does because of me. instead i was handed an already conceived project loaded with politics and mandates. you were at that meeting when i clarified with (head honcho) about the drop in center but you don't remember i guess. he said they had to be middle schoolers. he said it had to have the (my job's name) name. do i listen to you or (head honcho)? or (co-worker)? do i get to experiment and possibly fail and have ownership and devise a name and a logo? are all the programs connected or are they separate. that question in particular remains with me and played a big role in the dark days of my trying to keep my program in my hands. it was the program, that which i had been trying to create that i wanted, not specifically middle schoolers. that that point was lost tells me that this media center is suffering an odd malady. is it hard to believe that i wanted my own thing? support yes, but constant passive staring challenges from co-workers, slowly spoken disagreements which imply some non-profit sin to stand against? i just don't get it.
(previous vista) is now dealing bingo chips in a casino in oklahoma.
what will i be doing after my time here?
and what can i possibly do for ADD ridden children who only want to play, as is right for their age group? i tried the montisory approach and it was deemed a madhouse and given to (co-worker) with a new structured curriculum. today i heard that structure and class room setting, with rules about attendance and punctuality are the problem and we need to return to the montisory thing. i have no idea what to think, except that i want nothing to do with administrating anything, its just too confusing. i don't belong as a ctc vista because all the others have so much more technicalogical knowledge that they can create awesome programs like urban audioscapes that are streamed on the internet. i don't even want to know these things, they are a trap binding us to a virtual world.
so these are all the things i am thinking. i just wanted you to know.
thanks, by the way for being nice about the new rules, you could have been angry and i understand that.
i hope there is a way we can work it out so that i don't have to lose all the other things i need and care about. i am thinking that if i spend the night once or twice a week that would fulfill my contract. i could do work until i can't stay awake any longer and sleep for a couple of hours as my "lunch break" and then get back to work. this is assuming there is 40 hours a week of things to do. i need at least some afternoons to clean and make some bread, and i need to be sure that my butoh practice is respected as it was with (former boss). and then there is the issue of my apparent questionable mental health. who in the world is totally honest with their boss? i must be mad.